The Marines Simply Don’t Care…And Neither Should You

Twenty eight years ago this week I joined the United States Marine Corps. I was just 17 years old when I shipped out for boot camp. Ultimately, my career in the Marines would span twelve years, travel across no fewer than 15 countries, and fight in one war.

This week I’m going to write everyday about one lesson I learned (sometimes the hard way) in the US Marines.

Day 1:
We Didn’t Promise You a Rose Garden:
Day 2:
Learning From the Marines How to Raise Self-esteem

Day 3:
The Marines Simply Don’t Care…And Neither Should You

The Marine Corps doesn’t care about your prior life. They don’t care if you were well-known or unknown, rich or broke, where you lived, what you did for a living, what college you graduated from or didn’t graduate from, your parent’s last name, if you were a gangbanger, drug addict, or whatever else you did prior to joining the Corps.

The Marines simply don’t care.

And you’re wasting your time if you try to argue that any of your past accomplishments should account for something or your negative experiences should influence what you receive or don’t receive in the Marines. You’ll be told in no friendly terms to basically ‘go pound sand’ which is a popular saying in the Corps.

And the Corps would be correct to do so.

One of the best examples is world heavy weight boxing champion Riddick Bowe who left boot camp in less than two weeks. His past experiences and riches, undeniably great, didn’t matter.

The Marines simply do not care about those things because in truth they matter very little. Marine Corps boot camp is a transformation from the old you to the new you. For many, it’s too difficult to let go of the past (good and the bad) and they end up washing out. In my experience, this is the number one reason why a person doesn’t make it in the Marines. They can’t live in the present. And the present can be challenging because it demands action today. And that is what the Marines do care about, in truth what they are obsessed with—the now. The present. Today.

And most importantly what you put into it.

How much you put into it is all you’ll be judged by and nothing else. Marines know that whatever good they put into this day will come back to them, sooner or later, in equal if not greater shares. This type of reward system produces ridiculously high levels of initiative, morale, and a crazy desire for constant self-improvement.

These are all amazing outcomes, but there’s one more element to this system that I feel is the most significant. The one that I’ve personally seen make the greatest difference. The one that is necessary for all the others to be possible.

And that is second chances.

I took over a platoon and ‘inherited’ a young Marine who was waiting to be disciplined upon returning to the rear. We were high in the hills of Norway and convening a board was just impossible. Without a doubt, this Marine was facing loss of rank, pay, and possible time in the brig (which is far worse than boot camp).

One of the things that leaders do when joining a new platoon is to talk with each Marine and try to get to know them a little. What are your goals in the Corps? What is your dream position in the platoon? What do you want to do?

In thirty degrees below zero temperatures and seven feet of snow, it was difficult but not impossible. When I met with this Marine, I was a little shocked when he told me that he wanted to be a leader of Marines. I didn’t expect that so I asked, “What’s the first step to make that happen?”

“Get rid of this machine gun. Leaders don’t carry machine guns.”

Again, I was surprised by his answer and in truth had been hoping he’d say something about personal change. Either way, he had obviously given it some thought so I found another Marine who didn’t mind carrying a machine gun and the two switched weapons. Now he had a rifle, which is what leaders carry, but he wasn’t a leader of Marines yet.

To his great credit and as a testimony to a system that truly allows for real second chances, this Marine worked hard to remake himself and the Corps rewarded him. Within thirty days we left Norway and by the time we landed on ground that wasn’t buried in snow, he had been recommended for meritorious promotion and moved to the position of fire-team leader.

He was now officially a leader of Marines and a darn good one. And all the other stuff that was in the past was forgotten about, never brought up again because it didn’t matter. Especially not compared to the extreme effort he put into every day.

In my experience, second chances aren’t lost by the person trying to change. They’re made nearly impossible by others who refuse to stop living in the past while ignoring real effort. Unfortunately, I’ve only witnessed true second chances in the Marines.

Just imagine how better our country, families, work places, and schools would be if it mattered less what a person did in the past and more what they did now. Today.

In the Marine Corps it’s joked that every meal is a banquet, every paycheck a fortune, and every formation a family reunion. I believe it. I also think that one more thing should be added.

In the Marine Corps every day can be a new you…if you’re willing to work at it.

Don Shomette 1989

Learning From the Marines How to Raise Self-esteem

Twenty eight years ago this week I joined the United States Marine Corps. I was just 17 years old when I shipped out for boot camp. Ultimately, my career in the Marines would span twelve years, travel across no fewer than 15 countries, and fight in one war.

This week I’m going to write everyday about one lesson I learned (sometimes the hard way) in the US Marines.

 

Day 1:
We Didn’t Promise You a Rose Garden:

Day 2:
Learning From the Marines How to Raise Self-esteem

There is a false image perpetrated by Hollywood that Marine Corps drill instructors are mean people. It’s not true. Marine drill instructors are very kind, patient, fun loving guys who never yell and always give you the benefit of the doubt. It is not uncommon to see a drill instructor rubbing the back of a recruit and telling him he’s a good boy even though he didn’t do exactly as he was asked (drill instructors never demand).

When there’s competition, which the drill instructors prefer to call group play, everyone receives a reward and no one is ever signaled out individually when they didn’t do as well as the others. After all, in the Marine Corps everyone is a winner.

One can literally see and feel the love in the faces of drill instructors.

Okay, we all know that’s not true.

My drill instructors hated my guts. I’m convinced that had they been able to get away with it, they would have killed me. Certainly they voiced their desire to do so on many occasions as they hit me and cussed and accused me and my family of contaminating the world.

They are not nice guys…

But here’s a question. If we all know this to be a fact, that drill instructors treat new recruits harshly, unkindly, never tell them they are loved or that they’ve done a good job—why upon graduating boot camp do men and women leave with such high self-esteem?

High self-esteem is not the right word. At a recent training, I had a prior woman Marine put it more accurately. She said when she graduated boot camp she had “Crazy high” self-esteem.

Okay, so here it is again.

Why do men and women when they graduate boot camp (for any service) have such crazy high self-esteem even though they have been treated so terribly?

It’s because they have accomplished so much in a very short period of time.

To raise a person’s self-esteem, kind words are not required. They are the icing on the cake and should be spread on generously, but they are not necessary for self-esteem. People have it all wrong. They think kind words first. Instead, think accomplishment first and kind words a very close second, especially when we think of kids. Give your kids (students) many, many, many tasks that they can accomplish and you will by default raise their self-esteem.

These tasks do not have to be difficult, just anything that requires effort. Of course the greater the effort the greater the self-esteem. If the task requires an extreme effort the greater the person’s self-worth (highest and most permanent form of self-esteem).

If you focus on giving your kids tasks that they can accomplish then like Marines, even if someone is not always nice to them they will still feel good about themselves because they have accomplished something that no unkind word can ever take away.

They’ve done it and they know it and no one can ever change that. It’s why when a person accomplishes the extreme task of becoming a Marine, they are a Marine for life.

A Note of Hope

My cable company changed internet plans and I was forced to pay the price—literally. My monthly bill jumped up tremendously, over sixty percent. I called to complain that I had never been notified of the change and that the increase was just too steep for the same service. When I was transferred to a customer rep, the person offered me five dollars off my bill for the next six months.

I explained to the rep that I had been with the cable company for a long time and that this was more to me than just a price increase. I felt a little betrayed, as if me being their client for ten years accounted for absolutely nothing and that I should simply switch companies since obviously there was no relationship.

The rep transferred me to a manager who listened patiently to me and then offered me a substantial credit on my bill. I replied, “Thank you. That means a lot to me,” and I meant it.

It would have been a good experience had it ended right there, but it didn’t. As I was just about to hang up, the manager added one more thing.

“Just so you understand, this will be the last time we will offer you a credit on your bill.”

This kind of stuff happens all the time. The conversation is going well, both sides are expressing what they want or feel, a happy (enough) conclusion is reached and while it should end right there, it doesn’t. Someone has to add just a little bit more, often just to make sure that the other person understands who’s in charge and the conversation ends poorly (when it didn’t need to) leaving a bad taste in someone’s mouth.

That was me and the cable company.

When you complete a conversation, especially one that has an unhappy, corrective, or negative connotation attached to it, let it end on a good note and never a warning. And just because a warning is true, that doesn’t make it necessary that you should say it or the other person should hear it.

How do you know you’re ending a conversation with a warning (threat)? It will start with something like…

“If I have to…”

“If you don’t…”

“Don’t make me…”

“This is the last time…”

“If this happens again…”

Instead, end your conversation with something like…

“I’m glad we worked it out.”

“I’m glad you feel better.”

“I’m happy that we’ve had a chance to talk.”

And if the conversation goes extremely poorly and you have that terrible feeling that nothing has been improved, you can never go wrong with saying…

“Just let me know how I can help.”

“I’ll do whatever I can.”

Warnings are nothing more than possible consequences and they can be important to know and necessary to state, just put them somewhere in the middle and not in the end. Have the conversation, say what you need to say, but do yourself and the other person a great service.

Let it end on a note of hope.

Do I Sound That Bad?

I picked up a little phrase in the Marine Corps to say whenever someone has missed the obvious and I use it on a frequent basis, especially with my kids. Or at least I used to say until I heard my 19 year mimic me in a conversation with his younger brother.

It went something like this…

We were staying at a hotel. My oldest son and I were away from the room. When we returned, my 15 year old son who had remained behind greeted us at the door and stated, “The A/C unit is leaking.”

Peering over his shoulder, we all looked at the A/C unit and literally watched a drop of water drip from the corner of the unit and onto the carpet.

Seeing there was no towel there to catch the water, my 19 year old asked, “How come you didn’t put a towel down?”

“I don’t know.”

“Don’t you think you should put a towel down?” demanded my 19 year old.

“I don’t know,” answered the 15 year old, growing frustrated. “I didn’t know what to do.”

Then my 19 year said what I have said many times in similar situations.

“Does anyone have to tell you to raise the toilet lid before you go to the bathroom?”

And there it was or more accurately, there I was standing in front of me. Just a younger version, but clearly the same words, the same tone, the same inflection. Parents are lucky or unlucky depending on how you look at it. We get to see our reflection, the good and the bad, in our children since they are sometimes just younger versions of ourselves. I got to see myself and what I saw and heard I did not like. I grabbed my 19 year old by his arm and said, “Do I sound that bad when I say that?”

Surprised by the question, my 19 year old shrugged his shoulders as if to say, “I don’t know. I’ve never given it any thought.” To be fair, he wouldn’t have told me if it was true any way. He’s more loyal to his father than perhaps his father deserves.

On the other hand, the 15 year old didn’t have a problem answering. “That’s exactly what you sound like.”

Some may argue that the phrase is clever, useful, and exactly what people need to hear. Twenty-eight years ago as a 19 year old Marine, I would have agreed completely. But as I heard my son say it, I was reminded that words not only have meaning but also a time and place and I was saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and the wrong place.

How can I be so sure? Because I asked myself this one but very simply question.

“Would I say the same thing to Mother Teresa?”

Can you imagine…“Hey, Mother Teresa, does anyone have to tell you to raise the toilet seat?”

Uh, uh. Never. Not a chance!

If you’re ever in doubt about if what you’re saying is right or wrong, just ask yourself if you would say the same thing to Mother Teresa. If not, then don’t say it to your husband, wife, students, teachers, staff members, friends, clients, citizens, children—or anybody else!

P.S.

If not Mother Teresa, then substitute another person who will help you hold yourself to a higher standard instead of remaining a prisoner to a bad habit.

Questions: Does this make you think of any phrase that you too should stop saying? Or who would you substitute for Mother Teresa?

Give Them a Piece of Candy

When five year old Noah went missing from his home, rescue personnel from all over the state as well as local volunteers were called in to help search. Being only a few miles away from the search area, my wife, our two oldest sons, and I volunteered to assist anyway we could. So we grabbed our packs, water bottles, and other hiking gear and headed for the car. Sarah, our four year old daughter, came running calling for her mom to wait. When she finally caught up to us, she handed her mom something small and said, “When you find the little boy, give him a piece of candy.”

In my wife’s hand was a tiny wrapped piece of candy.

It is these small but precious moments that truly fill us with hope. After all, if one little girl can show this much empathy (love’s second name), imagine if us older and wiser adults could care this deeply?

As grownups, sometimes we make things more complicated than they need to be. Often we even make the mistake of thinking that if we are to truly make a difference in the lives of those around us that we have to do something that is extensive and all-embracing. While this is well intentioned, it can also paralyze us out of the fear that our efforts will be too little to do any real good so why bother.

Sarah shows us another way.

In fact, she teaches us two important lessons that if practiced would not only immediately change us for the better, but the entire world.

1. It’s not how much you give that matters, but how deeply you give.
2. It’s not necessary to pour out your time, but to pour out your heart.

We would all do well to remember that making a real difference in a life could be as easy as giving them a piece of candy. So when you find them, give them a piece of candy…

Hidden But Never Absent

There are so many terrible things happening in the world, our communities, and our lives that it’s easy to become discouraged. Especially when the bad seems overwhelming, as if it is literally darkening the horizon with hate.

But here’s the thing.

Hate cannot stand by itself. Good can, but never hate. And like darkness is only the absence of light, so too is hate only the absence of good.

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Darkness is only the absence of light & so too is hate only the absence of good.

As crazy as this may sound at first read, hate reminds us that good is so much greater than hate and that our hearts are naturally inclined to look for and to desire the good. We want the good which is why we’re so bothered by the bad. If we didn’t see the hate it would mean that we’re either in heaven, dreaming, or we’ve lost the ability to discern good from bad. And when that occurs, we’ve lost it all.

So, don’t despair over the bad. Don’t let your family or friends or children despair. Despair, unless it is an uncontrolled mental illness, is a choice and nothing but practiced sadness that has been perfected. That is a scary thought and a terrible place to be so please don’t let yourself despair. Instead, do this one little thing. Every time you see (too much) hate, remind yourself that the hate is only there because there’s good in the world, good in people, and good in you. It’s just hidden, but never absent.

Let us all work to do more good.

The Courage & The Ability

In April 1942, Colonel Jimmy Doolittle led the first bombing attack (and near suicide mission) against military targets in Japan. The navigator on his plane was Hank Potters. When the mission was over, Hank Potters’ mother wrote a letter to Doolittle’s wife in which she said, “I feel very proud and humble that the boys not only had the courage but the ability to do their job.”

At least 2 other mothers, in separate letters, would repeat nearly the exact sentiment to Jo Doolittle.

“…the courage and the ability…”

It started me thinking—maybe you can’t have one without the other? Maybe courage is enhanced with ability? And if that’s true, does that also mean that other worthy traits become more possible or even dependent on ability?

So I tried out a few combinations to see if it was true.

Determination:
Not only do you have the determination to complete your homework, but you have the ability to do the work and to do it well.

Love:
Not only do you have the love to raise a child, but you have the ability to be a good mother.

Grit:
Not only do you have the grit to be a police officer, but you have the ability to save lives.

Dedication:
Not only do you have the dedication to be a teacher, but you have the ability to communicate knowledge

Compassion:
Not only do you have the compassion to be a doctor, but you have the ability to heal

Passion:
Not only do you have the passion to be a principal, but you have the ability to lead

I think Hank Potters mom had it right. It takes more than courage, determination, enthusiasm, and other highly prized qualities to be successful. It takes…ability.

We should remember this when it comes to our children. If we really want our children to possess all of those great and noble qualities, then we have to ensure they also have the ability to do ‘the job’.

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When it comes to ability, celebrate it in yourself, praise it in your children, & reward it in your organization.

“You’ll Probably Want 4 Sugars Too.”

When traveling, I usually stop at McDonalds for breakfast. There’s one around every corner, it’s cheap, and I know exactly what to expect. One morning as I was ordering, the voice in the speaker suddenly cut me off before I had a chance to tell him how I wanted my coffee. I had only been able to get out, “Large coffee with 4 creams and”…when he suddenly interrupted, “You’ll probably want 4 sugars too.”

I stared dumbfounded at the speaker.

I was going to say 2 sugars, but that was a minor detail. More importantly, the kid had violated an unspoken drive thru tradition by inserting extra words into a well-established ritual.

“Welcome to McDonalds…is the order on your screen correct…please pay at the first window…”

Certainly not, “You’ll probably want 4 sugars.” And while this comment was completely logical—I had ordered 4 creams so 4 sugars made sense—the kid did something that no one else at McDonalds has ever done. He anticipated my needs and that small gesture threw me for a loop.

After my initial surprise, I finished my order and pulled up to get my food. When I drove off, I couldn’t help but shake my head that some kid at McDonalds had just taught me a valuable lesson.

Just because something is customary, efficient, and well executed doesn’t mean it’s the best way.

Especially not if that way is highly impersonal. By interjecting those few extra personal words into a very structured practice, the kid completely changed my experience and illustrated, in a small way, that I was no longer just another customer inside the procedure but the reason for the procedures.

I’m not saying that we should start carrying on conversations at the drive thru; but we should take extra care to ensure that our schools do not resemble a drive thru. Morning arrival, class change, lunch, classroom instruction, dismissal—the entire school day—has to be highly efficient and well executed, but we can’t allow what we do really well to become (or remain) cold and distant.

We’re getting ready to start a new school year again, but don’t look at it that way. Instead, think of it as another chance to start anew—another chance to make a difference. If we slide into the same routine as last year, even if it was efficient and well executed, but lacks personal care and attention, we’ve missed a golden opportunity as well as the purpose for our passion.

This year, pledge to not only change for the better but to also enhance what you’re doing well. When you see your kids (parents and teachers included) go out of your way to call out their names, ask pointed and specific questions that matter to that person, and anticipate their needs!

Simply add a few extra personal words to remind them that they are so much more than a routine or a procedure, but that they are a person who truly matters to you.

Are These Just Words or Do We Really Believe It?

Children are our greatest gift, asset, treasure, and blessing.

Children are the hope for the future.

They are the most important ‘thing’ to us.

If we really believe this, it surely doesn’t sound like it. The vast majority of comments that I hear about children are complaints and it’s everywhere. In schools, families, churches, TV, radio, movies, books, playgrounds, and blog posts.

You can’t escape it.

Children are not objects to be ridiculed but people to be loved. They are not a what but a who. I’ve never met an adult who feels good about constantly being the butt of a bad joke or to blame for the world’s unhappiness.

But we do it to kids all the time—all the time.

Children are not a detriment to our (adults’) happiness or problems to be solved. They don’t weigh down, hold back, or diminish who we adults are or what we can become. It is just the opposite. Throughout history children have affectionately been called the ‘true and only Fountain of Youth’ and not because they are young and bubbling with life, but because they are the only thing in this world that makes adults feel young at heart and bubble with life.

They’re the best thing for us—not the worst thing!

Stop complaining about kids.

The greatest threat to education is not low test scores, low pay, or a lack of funding. These things, while they are critically important, can be worked around. What cannot be worked around is a lack of gratitude for children.

Why is that?

To truly love someone means to put the other person first and to be concerned only about their good and their needs without any regard to what it means to you or what you get out of it.

Who thinks we should love our children (students) this way?

Who themselves would like to be loved this way?

No one can ever love this deeply without first having gratitude. Gratitude is being truly thankful for the other person and is the required stepping stone to real and meaningful love.

It hurts to have low test scores, pay, and funding but when adults are not thankful for students they become bitter and cynical. They see their job as only a job. Worse, they’ve shut themselves off from ever loving the student. If they can’t love the student then they no longer care about the student’s good and instead become more concerned about what’s in it for them (sound like anyone you know?).

If we ever get to this day collectively as a group, we lose it all and we’ll be able to look back and say that it all started when we stopped being thankful for children.

If you feel yourself or experience someone else being unappreciative of their children (students) then do or recommend these two simple things.

1. Stop complaining about them.
It’s impossible to feel good or think well about someone while you’re complaining about them.  Don’t do it and don’t allow others to do it. And I’m talking about all complaining whether it’s done with a frown or a smile on your face. Just stop it.

2. Do something for them.
Yes, that’s right. You do something for them. Do something—anything—for only their good without any regard for what you get out it. And it doesn’t have to be something big. Just let it be for their good. If you do this, then you are practicing true gratitude and true gratitude is the only way to open or reopen the door to real love.

We are living a great and noble adventure of helping children to become who they were created to be, but you’d never believe it if you listened to all the complaining. In our better moments we remember and acknowledge the importance of what we’re called to accomplish, but we cannot and never will accomplish this task unless we see children for what they really are…our greatest asset, treasure, blessing, hope for the future, true eternal fountain of youth…our most precious gift.

Shouldn’t we be grateful? I’m certainly grateful for mine…

8 Years Later…

As a society we’ve slid into a terrible habit of labeling all deaths as a killing, regardless of whether it was an accident or not. Out of the necessity to protect themselves, I believe that the media reports any event where a person has died as a ‘killing’ because then they are less liable than if they proclaim it a murder.

I get it.

We just have to remember that being killed is not the same thing as being murdered, especially on today, the anniversary of the school attack on Virginia Tech.

Why is this important?

A person who has been killed, was killed by accident. A person who was murdered, was killed on purpose. Both are victims because they have been permanently deprived of their most precious thing in this world—their life. However, the person who was murdered has suffered a severe injustice at the hands of someone who had no right to do what they did. The injustice of murder is so great that it is the only crime that has the ability to make you a co-victim—even though it’s 8 years later and on the day of the attack you were thousands of miles away and didn’t know any of the victims personally.

Today in 2007, 32 people were murdered in the school attack on Virginia Tech. Those innocent people were not killed, but murdered and in eleven minutes all of their families, friends, and thousands of others became co-victims.

Today take extra care to reach out to those who may be suffering—even if they were not there and let them know that you care and remind them that what they are feeling are normal feelings about a terribly abnormal and unjust event.