Tag Archives: Character ed
Nature: A Tale of a Fox, a Scorpion, and School Attackers
In his fable The Fox and the Scorpion, Aesop attempts to illustrate how people do what they do because of their nature. While there is certainly some merit to this assertion, we can’t fully accept this way of thinking when intervening with a student who is a potential threat.
Unfortunately, we don’t have the luxury of just giving up and saying, “That’s just who they are.” We have to do the difficult and try to change a person’s nature.
Little Things: Little Things can Become a Big Thing When Done with Real Sincerity
Sometimes we forget that little things, if done with real sincerity, can have a huge impact on a person’s life. I’m going to experience this first hand when I read on the wall of a restaurant a saying that causes me to flashback to a much younger time in my life.
The saying on the wall was something, just a little thing, which someone used to say to me (with true sincerity) and this flash back will teach me that in fact little things can last a life time.
P.S. If you don’t have a saying, motto, or some little nugget of wisdom to share with students, then check out some of my favorite ones below the video on my website.
How To Teach Our Kids to be Funny
We teach kids lots of things, but I’ve never heard anyone teach kids how to be really funny. And this is a skill that is desperately needed. Not only for their sake, but for our sake since lots of kids think they’re funny but they’re really not. If you’re not sure how to teach a lesson in humor, here’s a sure fire trick to always telling a great joke.
It’s really simple and here it goes.
It’s not a great joke if everyone can’t laugh.
That’s right. If everyone can’t laugh it’s not a real joke. If there’s one person who found it crude, demeaning, or insulting, and they didn’t laugh, then it’s not humor and therefore by default it’s not a joke. This type of comedy, while it can get some giggles, is the lowest form of humor and is just plain lazy.
Come on, our kids can do better.
Let’s continue to encourage as well as teach excellence to our children. Excellence in academics, sports, arts, music, and telling jokes. Don’t accept anything but the best from them and be quick to tell them that if everyone is not laughing, it’s not funny.
Try again, but make it really funny.
Thomas Edison was a Loser
A well-known person recently stated that if you’re going to take advice, only take it from someone who is exactly where you want to be and doing exactly what you hope to become. In other words, only take advice from someone who has already succeeded.
Does that mean that a freshman should refuse the advice of a sophomore simply because that person hasn’t graduated high school yet? Should we decline to listen to a financial accountant about how to become a millionaire because the person only has $650,000 in the bank? Does that mean that Thomas Edison was a loser at his 9,999 attempts to create an electric light bulb and that his advice on the subject of electricity only became valuable after he tried one more time (it took 10,000 attempts).
This post is less about who to take advice from and more about giving advice to our kids about how to become successful.
Our kids have to know that success is not an all or nothing and a person’s worth does not suddenly appear after a certain level of success is reached. What makes people successful is a determined effort to succeed. It’s in this upward struggle that a person will learn, grow, change, and transform into the person they want to be.
I once heard a famous motivational speaker say that he didn’t know that he had succeeded until after ten years of being successful. It just dawned on him one day after a decade of telling others how to be successful that he had finally arrived where he wanted to be.
It’s because he rightly saw success as a process, something to constantly strive to maintain and not simply a designation to reach.
We should remind our kids that success is a process and not an event.
Two Critical Words in Helping Kids be Successful
Let’s imagine for a moment that during a conversation, a kid reveals that they have a dream of becoming a famous actress.
This is how I would respond.
I would rip out a clean sheet of paper, slide it in front of them and tell them to sign it. When they ask why they’re signing it, I’d explain that when they become world famous I’m going to sell their autograph on eBay and makes lots of money. Purely selfish reasons…
For a few seconds I would simply enjoy that beam of happiness.
Then, I’d get to work.
I would slide another piece of paper in front of her and have her write two words on the very top in large, bold letters.
UNTIL & UNLESS
I’d explain why I chose those two words. That success is dependent on two critical elements which are 1) change and 2) sacrifice and that for our little exercise, we’re going to rename them until & unless. In other words, until you’re willing to change and unless you’re ready to sacrifice, your dream will remain a dream.
Near the top of the same piece of paper, I’d have her write this sentence.
I won’t be a famous actress UNTIL (change)
With the kid’s help, we would identify all the ‘untils’ or changes that need to happen in order to become a famous actress and I would have her list them underneath the same sentence.
For example, I won’t be a famous actress until…
…I graduate high school
…I attend drama school or college
…I get an agent
These are only a few examples and obviously some are short term and others long term. List them all and remember nothing is too impossible. In the end, you’ll know what to pitch and what to keep.
Then, we’d do the same thing with the sentence for unless.
I won’t be a famous actress UNLESS (sacrifice)…
…I put the time into really practice being an actress
…I increase my ability to remember lines by practicing
…I risk the embarrassment of failure by trying out for different parts
I would then identify in each category the priorities that must be done first in order to be successful and that’s it. All that’s left now is to feel good about yourself because with your help, a young person is on the road to success and that much closer to accomplishing their dreams.
One last point.
Most mentoring fails because the mentor tries to shape the mentoree to be just like themselves instead of helping the other person to become the best version of themselves. I’m not a fan of Hollywood or actors or actresses. In a world full of possible heroes, they’re simply not mine. To be an actor would never be a dream of mine, but that doesn’t matter. Please don’t squash a person’s dreams because it’s not your dream or is a dream that you don’t find valuable. To do so is a far greater disservice to the young person than doing nothing.
Most dreams don’t fail because of a lack of skills, they fail because of a lack of application. Your job is not to decide what they do, just to help them apply themselves to be successful.
Freedom Inside Discipline
Twenty eight years ago this week I joined the United States Marine Corps. I was just 17 years old when I shipped out for boot camp. Ultimately, my career in the Marines would span twelve years, travel across no fewer than 15 countries, and fight in one war.
This week I’m going to write everyday about one lesson I learned (sometimes the hard way) in the US Marines.
Day 1:
We Didn’t Promise You a Rose Garden:
Day 2:
Learning From the Marines How to Raise Self-esteem
Day 3:
The Marines Simply Don’t Care…And Neither Should You
Day 4:
Freedom Inside Discipline:
Imagine an enormous playground surrounded by high and sturdy walls. Inside the playground there are endless swings, slides, sandboxes, pulleys, and every kind of bar, rope, ladder, and chain imaginable. There’s something for climbing, hanging, swinging, jumping, spinning, and lots of things for falling if you’re not careful. As far as the eye can see, there’s something to have fun. In fact, the playground is so massive that you could spend your entire life and still not have enough time to play on every one of the pieces. To stay on the playground you have to follow just one rule.
Stay inside the walls.
I know this may be difficult to believe, but I have never had so much fun, laughed so hard, or enjoyed so many freedoms as I did when I was a Marine. For those who have watched the movie ‘The 13th Warrior’ there’s a series of back-to-back scenes where a group of Vikings are enduring terrible hardships…and they can’t stop laughing. That was me, that was the Marines, and it’s because the Marine Corps is a playground surrounded by high and sturdy walls.
While the Marine Corps will never advertise that they are a playground (and they certainly will not promise you a rose garden), they do exhaustively promote the concept of freedom inside discipline and our families, work places, schools, and lives would be better if we too adopted this practice.
There’s three simple ways to create ‘Freedom inside discipline’
1. Build a High Wall
Forgot about policies, procedures, and rules. They suck the life out of everything because too many leaders simply use them as a club to beat people over the head with for doing wrong. Instead, develop and demand high standards and hold others to them.
If you let rules dominate you, sooner or later it will come back to bite you. You see this in schools, families, and businesses where there are a million rules that overlap each other, many even contradicting previous ones. Most often it’s because someone once used a rule against the leader in order to beat the ‘system’ or to do the absolute minimum required to satisfy the rule. Therefore, additional rules have to be created just to close that loop hole and the vicious circle goes on and on.
Instead of one high and sturdy wall, now you have a million little hurdles to navigate over that in time will completely sap your energy. And besides, you simply can’t create enough rules to cover everything and this type of constant correction will only create massive confusion, stifle growth, reduce exploration, and kill initiative.
That’s not a playground.
The Marine Corps had one massive wall (standard) and it was to simply act like a Marine. Not a million rules to ensure you did the minimum to be like a Marine, but one very high standard that you strove to reach—to act like a Marine. Like a baseball bat to the kidneys, one only had to say to a fellow Marine, “Why don’t you act like a Marine” for the message to be received loud and painfully clear.
You have failed to reach the standard.
So how could we apply this method with students?
(Good and necessary) rules for students:
- You must be kind
- You must be nice
- You must say thank you and please
- You must use an inside voice
- You must not interrupt
Now, these rules turned into a standard:
- You must be respectful.
When the student is not kind you correct the behavior by focusing less on the rule and more on reaching and maintaining a high standard which is being respectful.
“We don’t say that to people because that is not kind. That is not being respectful.”
You’re not ignoring good rules or bad behavior. You’re trying to develop a standard of great behavior that can be applied in all situations especially where a specific rule has not been identified. If you then live that standard the rules will be followed by default.
If it helps, try to remember that rules are made to be followed, but standards are made to be reached.
2. Play hard on the playground
The Marines promote teamwork while still prizing individualism. They require uniformity but love eccentricity. They value and encourage competition and hard work. They believe deeply that when you’re on the playground that you play as hard as you possibly can and hold nothing back. You owe that to yourself as well as the team. There is no sitting around waiting for something to happen or hesitating out of fear that you’ll fail. This is not tolerated and you’ll be thrown onto the playground and told to have fun, lots of fun!
This type of attitude is infectious, energizing, and completely liberating. It makes you grow and love growing. You go to bed thinking about it and you can’t wait to wake up and start playing because anything goes just as long as you stay inside the walls.
That’s a playground…treat life like a playground.
3. Lose the Zero Defect Mentality
One of the greatest days in the Marine was when General Gray outlawed the zero defect mentality. For the longest time, if you made one little mistake your career was over. You can’t grow, learn, do great work, or have fun when you’re constantly afraid of being punished. It’s impossible.
That’s not a playground.
And who would want to play on a playground where every little mistake you make is treated as a terrible wrong. This type of corrosive environment will sooner than later teach a person that it is far easier and safer to stop trying. When this happens, mediocrity will reign supreme because this is the condition for success you’ve created. Do little—fear little.
Instead, encourage and reward great effort, courage, and boldness. When mistakes happen, and they are certain to occur, give forgiveness, make corrections, demand amends, and get back on the playground.
Last point,
Standard have many different names. Some simply call it knowing right and wrong, good and bad, others define it as ethics, values, principles, scruples, and a host of other expressions that basically denotes right behavior.
The Marines call it freedom inside discipline.
It’s not there to infringe but to expand freedoms and to help the person become who he or she was created to be. If you embrace and live this concept, I guarantee that you can turn any school or family into a playground surrounded by walls…and love it.
The Marines Simply Don’t Care…And Neither Should You
Twenty eight years ago this week I joined the United States Marine Corps. I was just 17 years old when I shipped out for boot camp. Ultimately, my career in the Marines would span twelve years, travel across no fewer than 15 countries, and fight in one war.
This week I’m going to write everyday about one lesson I learned (sometimes the hard way) in the US Marines.
Day 1:
We Didn’t Promise You a Rose Garden:
Day 2:
Learning From the Marines How to Raise Self-esteem
Day 3:
The Marines Simply Don’t Care…And Neither Should You
The Marine Corps doesn’t care about your prior life. They don’t care if you were well-known or unknown, rich or broke, where you lived, what you did for a living, what college you graduated from or didn’t graduate from, your parent’s last name, if you were a gangbanger, drug addict, or whatever else you did prior to joining the Corps.
The Marines simply don’t care.
And you’re wasting your time if you try to argue that any of your past accomplishments should account for something or your negative experiences should influence what you receive or don’t receive in the Marines. You’ll be told in no friendly terms to basically ‘go pound sand’ which is a popular saying in the Corps.
And the Corps would be correct to do so.
One of the best examples is world heavy weight boxing champion Riddick Bowe who left boot camp in less than two weeks. His past experiences and riches, undeniably great, didn’t matter.
The Marines simply do not care about those things because in truth they matter very little. Marine Corps boot camp is a transformation from the old you to the new you. For many, it’s too difficult to let go of the past (good and the bad) and they end up washing out. In my experience, this is the number one reason why a person doesn’t make it in the Marines. They can’t live in the present. And the present can be challenging because it demands action today. And that is what the Marines do care about, in truth what they are obsessed with—the now. The present. Today.
And most importantly what you put into it.
How much you put into it is all you’ll be judged by and nothing else. Marines know that whatever good they put into this day will come back to them, sooner or later, in equal if not greater shares. This type of reward system produces ridiculously high levels of initiative, morale, and a crazy desire for constant self-improvement.
These are all amazing outcomes, but there’s one more element to this system that I feel is the most significant. The one that I’ve personally seen make the greatest difference. The one that is necessary for all the others to be possible.
And that is second chances.
I took over a platoon and ‘inherited’ a young Marine who was waiting to be disciplined upon returning to the rear. We were high in the hills of Norway and convening a board was just impossible. Without a doubt, this Marine was facing loss of rank, pay, and possible time in the brig (which is far worse than boot camp).
One of the things that leaders do when joining a new platoon is to talk with each Marine and try to get to know them a little. What are your goals in the Corps? What is your dream position in the platoon? What do you want to do?
In thirty degrees below zero temperatures and seven feet of snow, it was difficult but not impossible. When I met with this Marine, I was a little shocked when he told me that he wanted to be a leader of Marines. I didn’t expect that so I asked, “What’s the first step to make that happen?”
“Get rid of this machine gun. Leaders don’t carry machine guns.”
Again, I was surprised by his answer and in truth had been hoping he’d say something about personal change. Either way, he had obviously given it some thought so I found another Marine who didn’t mind carrying a machine gun and the two switched weapons. Now he had a rifle, which is what leaders carry, but he wasn’t a leader of Marines yet.
To his great credit and as a testimony to a system that truly allows for real second chances, this Marine worked hard to remake himself and the Corps rewarded him. Within thirty days we left Norway and by the time we landed on ground that wasn’t buried in snow, he had been recommended for meritorious promotion and moved to the position of fire-team leader.
He was now officially a leader of Marines and a darn good one. And all the other stuff that was in the past was forgotten about, never brought up again because it didn’t matter. Especially not compared to the extreme effort he put into every day.
In my experience, second chances aren’t lost by the person trying to change. They’re made nearly impossible by others who refuse to stop living in the past while ignoring real effort. Unfortunately, I’ve only witnessed true second chances in the Marines.
Just imagine how better our country, families, work places, and schools would be if it mattered less what a person did in the past and more what they did now. Today.
In the Marine Corps it’s joked that every meal is a banquet, every paycheck a fortune, and every formation a family reunion. I believe it. I also think that one more thing should be added.
In the Marine Corps every day can be a new you…if you’re willing to work at it.
Don Shomette 1989
We Didn’t Promise You a Rose Garden:
Twenty eight years ago this week I joined the United States Marine Corps. I was just 17 years old when I shipped out for boot camp. Ultimately, my career in the Marines would span twelve years, travel across no fewer than 15 countries, and fight in one war.
This week I’m going to write everyday about one lesson I learned (sometimes the hard way) in the US Marines.
Day 1:
We Didn’t Promise You a Rose Garden:
After every deployment overseas, each Marine unit goes through pretty much the same ritual. Thirty days leave, swap out broken gear for new gear, weapons maintenance, get rid of the ‘old-timers’ (their contracts completed), receive an influx of new Marines, and start training for the next deployment.
After one deployment, I received an enormous number of new Marines. We had just returned from six months in Okinawa, Japan, and were heading out again in less than 4 months. Having already been overseas several times, I tried to take it easy on the new guys so I reduced the level of physical exercise, field training, and combat drills. I didn’t do it because I was being lazy, but because I knew what was coming. Very soon these new Marines would be running at a pre-deployment operational tempo that would be a killer. By cutting them a break now, I thought it would make life easier later. I was wrong. I hadn’t made life easier, but harder.
How so?
One day, one of my young Marines moped by, his face down trodden and sad. Knowing that he had just spent the last two days with his family back home, I asked him if something bad had happened over the weekend leave. He replied, “No, it was fine.”
He tried to push past, but I grabbed his arm and pulled him close. I repeatedly asked him to tell me what was going on but each time he refused. Finally I ordered him to tell me and like a good Marine, he complied.
“My family keeps asking me what I do in the Marines. They think it must be so tough. I’m embarrassed to tell that we don’t do anything. I’m embarrassed to tell them that it’s easy being a Marine. ”
I could have tried to reason with that young Marine, to explain that he just needed to trust me. That very soon things would be different and he’d thank me for taking it easy on him. But I didn’t even try. I let him go, realizing that I had made a fatal mistake.
I had given more concern to his comfort than to his self-worth.
My failure immediately reminded of a Marine recruiting poster.
I think lots of well-meaning people do exactly what I did. We go out of our way to make life as easy as we possibly can for those we care about and in doing so, we actually hurt them. Not in the physical sense, but in the area of self-worth and personal growth. Sometimes the greatest gains are made from enduring and accomplishing difficult tasks.
Students don’t grow from easy school work. Teachers don’t grow from perfect classrooms. Parents don’t grow from flawless children. And young Marines don’t grow from acting like soldiers (sorry! I couldn’t help it!).
I immediately upped the operational tempo for the entire platoon. If it was under ten miles, we walked to it. We ran no fewer than four miles a day and we trained each night until 10:00. In no time I had that young Marine exhausted, but happy. And not simply because he was being pushed but because he was growing and he knew it.
When I left that unit he pulled me aside and thanked me. I should have thanked him because I feel I learned the greater lesson. We don’t do anyone any favors by making life too easy for them. Yes, protect from harm but not from hard work. With hard work comes growth and with growth self-worth is enhanced.
Don’t break them, but push them. Make them work for it, make them earn it, and they’ll thank you for it!
P.S. Just in case you’re wondering if women Marines promise you something else…
Hidden But Never Absent
There are so many terrible things happening in the world, our communities, and our lives that it’s easy to become discouraged. Especially when the bad seems overwhelming, as if it is literally darkening the horizon with hate.
But here’s the thing.
Hate cannot stand by itself. Good can, but never hate. And like darkness is only the absence of light, so too is hate only the absence of good.
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Darkness is only the absence of light & so too is hate only the absence of good.
As crazy as this may sound at first read, hate reminds us that good is so much greater than hate and that our hearts are naturally inclined to look for and to desire the good. We want the good which is why we’re so bothered by the bad. If we didn’t see the hate it would mean that we’re either in heaven, dreaming, or we’ve lost the ability to discern good from bad. And when that occurs, we’ve lost it all.
So, don’t despair over the bad. Don’t let your family or friends or children despair. Despair, unless it is an uncontrolled mental illness, is a choice and nothing but practiced sadness that has been perfected. That is a scary thought and a terrible place to be so please don’t let yourself despair. Instead, do this one little thing. Every time you see (too much) hate, remind yourself that the hate is only there because there’s good in the world, good in people, and good in you. It’s just hidden, but never absent.
Let us all work to do more good.
Don Shomette 